THE MAGIC OF A BIG AGE GAP

A bit of back-story for anyone not 'in the know' - when we realised Vivienne was on her way it was a huge surprise (AKA it was unplanned and we were shitting it). I was 20, David was 21, we were both in Liverpool at uni and it was *not* something we were expecting, to say the least. I guess the full extent of that chaos is best saved for another day, but in short we became parents long before we expected to. 

Nevertheless, it only took for Vivienne to become a young toddler before some people started asking when we were going to have another, even though I was only 22/23.. and it never really stopped since. For all the women out there (who probably aren't reading this family-centric blog) who don't want children and are sick of being asked about it - even women who *have* kids are constantly asked about whether they're planning on getting pregnant soon.. even, on one occasion, with one woman in Sainsbury's telling me I was a cruel mother for not planning on 'giving' Vivienne a sibling. Nice. 

Anyway, fast forward six and a half years and batting off hundreds of questions about our plans (we didn't even *have* plans about more kids up until this point), we decided to go for it and try for another.

When I fell pregnant Vivienne was a few months off seven years old and when Sylvie was born she was seven and a half. She was old enough to be patient and understanding when I was feeling crap and irritable during pregnancy, and also old enough that if I wanted a break or a nap for half an hour on my own then she was responsible enough to be completely safe in that time.   

When Sylvie was born she was old enough to understand that, although we loved them both equally, Sylvie often had priority and her needs had to be seen to before Vivienne's. She knew how to get herself ready for school and could (most of the time) pack and check her own bag, do homework on her own, and help a bit around the house. There was never a hint of jealousy or feeling a bit pushed out when Sylvie arrived; we thought the novelty of having a baby at home might wear off a little and she would want to spend some time doing her more grown up child things when at home but it hasn't been the case at all.

As it stands the girls adore each other, they gravitate towards each other in the house and only have eyes for each other when they're reunited after school at the end of the day. Vivienne is an amazing help, we don't push her when she's not feeling like it but most of the time she loves little responsibilities like getting Sylvie ready for the day or watching her for me while I sort things out. Life consists of a *lot* more juggling with two little ones but with Vivienne being older it makes the baby stage so much less intense - they really do entertain each other every day. 

There were many reasons that we had a big age gap, and we never really 'pined' as such for baby number two - we were often close to deciding to only even have Vivienne as she got older and things became easier. We were young, working on careers, moving house and moving house (we moved about six times in as many years..) and there was too much going on without throwing more chaos into the mix. We could easily have stuck at one baby but Sylvie seemed to arrive at exactly the right time for us - even being born out of wedding season exactly as we'd hoped for.

Any baby books I read seemed to list negatives for big age gaps, "they won't bond as well", "you'll have to rebuy all your baby equipment", "the eldest will be jealous after being an only child so long".. but forgot some amazing positives such as "childcare costs a fortune and you'll only ever have one in pre-school care at a time", "you can comfortably get a shower or have 15 minutes to yourself because there's someone to responsibly watch the baby", "your eldest is more independent and can get ready/eat/wash so you're only wrestling with one little person each day" and "only one bloody massive car seat to wrestle with at a time".

Maybe everything just happens for a reason? (Maybe that reason is that in seven years we'll have one that can babysit the other..?) Whatever led to this point and whatever made us take a little longer than average, it's worked well and I can't imagine it any other way.

Big age gaps are the way forward - and we have these two to prove it.

'SELF CARE' OVER 'TREAT YOURSELF'

I feel that I pretty much hid throughout my pregnancy. I didn't really 'announce' that we were expecting, friends and family knew, and I only told clients that I would be shooting their weddings pregnant when I was getting bigger and my bump was too obvious to hide. I think I just felt very self conscious and really didn't like not 'feeling myself', plus I found out I was pregnant when wedding season kicks off and I was genuinely too busy during the Summer to do too much else anyway. In short, I much preferred lying around the house in my maternity PJs growing by the week feeling sorry for myself that I was so worn out all the time..

Fast forward to now, and Sylvie is over 9 months old. I've reached the end of a really hectic few months from pretty much getting straight back into shooting a month or so after I had her.. it's been a busy old year. I've started making a conscious effort to take time for myself and time to reflect too, as well as more seeing friends and getting out of the house again. Even going to the gym feels like real time off these days, and I've been really trying to restart a routine now we have full childcare some days. (And I have to admit, at the moment it still hurts every time.. but I'll get there.)

It feels like such a cliche these days to talk about 'self care' but that's exactly what it I'm trying to do.. And it's not about 'Treat Yourself' things and throwing cash at candles and bath products promising to make you feel pampered, for me it's just been about slowing down a little more and taking some time out for myself here and there. I've been going out for tea with friends much more than I did last year, arranging to see people I haven't in a while, spending quality time out with the girls and also asking David to take them out for a few hours sometimes too, not even so I can do work necessarily, but just to have a few hours to myself.

At times in the past I've been so busy that I've wondered what it's all for, and I try and remember what my interests used to be before family life came along. With this in mind I've decided to make an effort to take pictures and offer myself up for some projects out of my comfort zone, and I've also been to a few different art classes locally, a watercolour class by KLB Design House, and a few of the Sunday Art School classes run by A Still Life Workshops. I'm hoping to cook more as it gets colder and darker outside, and make time for us to all sit and eat as a family some nights. And I want to get out walking in the hills before it gets that little bit too cold to be out in the elements for too long. I've found that anything that makes you forget about the time or to check your phone is absolutely wonderful for headspace. 

I thought I'd make a little list of more 'calm living' things I'd like to do before the end of the year, mainly so I have something to refer to..

- Walking in the hills with Sylvie wrapped to me
- Taking pictures purely for myself and *actually* getting around to processing and printing them
- Cook a *full* Sunday dinner, and more week day family dinners
- Teach Vivienne to cook a few dishes
- Make some proper hot chocolates with Vivienne after school
- Cycle with Viv on the tandem, and go for our annual conker-hunting bike ride
- Book a sports massage to sort my shoulders out
- Email out small companies I'd like to work with to expand my commercial portfolio
- Get much more of an eating and gym routine going. Drink more water.
- Read, and stop working on my phone when I'm in the bath
- Do some Autumn crafts and paint with Vivienne
- Do another Sunday Art School
- Hopefully take a weekend to see friends in London

I saw this picture below on Instagram recently and it rang so true. I'm definitely going to try and draw on that thought over the next few months. If you have any calming, self-caring and 'feeling yourself' activities too I'd love to know. 

ROUTINE IS COOL, HONEST

The crazy six weeks are over and we are a week and a half into the routine of the girls going to school, childcare, after school clubs, breakfast clubs, tennis lessons.. and also finding the time to get to the gym and have some time for ourselves at times too.

The night before Vivienne went back to school was also the night before Sylvie going into childcare for the first time (more on this later..), and David and I found ourselves drawing out a timetable whilst sitting on the couch like we were divorcing; working out who picks up and drops off each day, when we can get to the gym ourselves, booking in a free night for us to have as a family and working out who exactly is responsible for what. (Then we stuck it up in the kitchen so it was *official*). 

Turns out having two kids is wonderful - really wonderful - and not *that* complicated until you throw in all the other stuff you have to do too. (Like feeding yourself, and homework, and the washing.. and the other unimportant adult shit that comes with trying to be a 'responsible'.)

But, anyway, the routine wheels slowly started turning again. Vivienne ran off into school, seeing some friends for the first time in weeks, and loved being back. We started getting the ten emails a day from her school again (FFS bullet points and brevity, please), we even managed to get her first homework in on time *and* remembered her PE kit; even if the night before school started she announced that it had been in the cupboard, unwashed, for the past six weeks.

The biggest change was Sylvie starting to go to a childminder. I admit, I really cried when David took her to drop her off the first time saying things like "It's too soon!"/"But she has a cold!"/"She's just too little", but very soon I realised we were both absolutely fine; Sylvie loved being there and I got more done in a day than I had in ages. Our childminder lives about a 5 minute walk away and is lovely - she's been taking her out to different activities during the day and sends Whatsapp pictures of how she is and what she's up to. We have definitely done the right thing here.

There was no routine in Summer, apart from the fact that routinely throughout the day I would have to exclaim "I'M SO TIRED", but it was the holidays and it was the chaos that the holidays naturally bring. I guess for the most part it just can't be changed and to some degree it just has to be embraced.. But I have to admit that having a proper routine now really helps. I now work intensely Tue/Thu/Fri and prioritise doing things, playing and spending quality time with Sylvie on Mondays and Wednesdays. (I even went to a nursery rhyme sing-a-long group the other day, but we don't need to talk to much about that...)

We have split the pick ups/drop offs for both the girls exactly down the middle. David and I both have the same opportunities to get to the gym and enough evenings where we can see friends and have some time off too. It sounds dramatic to say it but it really is sanity saving. We are still very much feeling the effects of the holidays - my workload is just as big but now I'm more desk-based - but letting go and resisting being proud and "I can do it all myself" has made the biggest difference to the balance at this end.

I didn't really get much maternity leave (I may write about this soon), but now I'm also making a conscious effort to take quality time for myself (I may write about this too). Sometimes it just takes a little stepping back to reassess the balance of everything going on.

It's not cool to admit it, and years ago I never thought I'd be one to live with such structure, but routine is 100%, definitely, where it's at.

'MUM GUILT' CAN GET IN THE BIN

I was going to write a post about 'Mum Guilt' and how everything's felt better the second time round until I had a dream a few nights ago that made me have a little cry the following morning. In it, I found a guest at a wedding telling Vivienne that I was a terrible mother and didn't devote enough time to her and Sylvie, and when Vivienne came over to me afterwards she didn't reply when I said 'I love you'. So yeah, it appears there's still subconscious guilt going on no matter how rational I try to be.

Isn't everything just *enough* without guilt creeping into parenting? Isn't the mess and busy-ness and juggling routines and homework and general chaos just *enough*? It starts when they're born and you find yourself second guessing some answers you give to the common (and sometimes loaded) questions ("Are you breast or bottle feeding? But they're not meant to have solids until six months, are they? How long are you taking off work? Who are you going to leave them with when you go to work? Are you worried she'll have separation anxiety at that age? Wouldn't you rather a family member than a childminder?") and never. bloody. stops. It's pretty exhausting trying to be the best version of yourself in all areas when sometimes you just want to curl up and lounge about for a day reading all those books you haven't started yet and watching that film you've been meaning to for months.. 

Before the Summer holidays hit we've been to see a childminder who will start minding Sylvie two days a week from September and my impulse is still to question myself and wonder if I *really* need a childminder or whether I can manage on my own working and juggling her daily wants and needs. I've never been one to feel anxious about leaving the girls with people to mind them while I work, and my husband and I have been away numerous times without them (cueing some lovely loaded questions and comments such as, "Aren't you worried something will happen while you're away? Good for you, though.. *I* couldn't do it, myself.") but when I'm feeling a little delicate those guilty thoughts creep in like little voices trying to persuade you that you're not doing as well as you could be.

On top of that in our house there's me being self employed and working some silly hours, a partner who is pretty much self employed and the Summer holidays to 'make the most of'.. it's pretty exhausting. Being self employed in the Summer holidays means knowing you *could* spend this day with your kids but shipping them off to someone else because you need to work, it's being technically able to work flexibly but still needing to get a full day's work done in not-enough-time, it's emails while they're on the swings at the park, admin while they eat dinner and starting the bulk of your working day the second they're asleep. 

I do try not to beat myself up about the little things, and most of the time I do pretty well at shrugging that feeling off but here is a little list of things I've felt guilty about over the past few weeks (and subsequently tried to tell myself to pack it in..)

- spending too much time working and not seeing the girls
- spending consecutive days away and having to tell a crying Vivienne over the phone it'll be another two days until I see them
- not doing enough with the girls when I do have days with them
- not 'making the most' of the Summer holidays in general
- saying 'one minute, I just need to send this message/email' too many times
- not being able to go away in the Summer holidays like a lot of other families we know
- asking a lot of my mother-in-law and mum for childcare (forever grateful)
- feeding Viv lazy lunches and teas of sandwiches, omelettes and old school kids' dinners like *something*, chips and beans
- feeding Sylvie shop-bought purees instead of making up baby-led weaning recipes
- asking Viv to feed Sylvie while I sort something out
- not cooking enough in general
- not doing enough stimulating stuff with Sylvie
- asking Viv to 'keep an eye' on Sylvie too often while I sort something out
- letting Viv watch a fair bit of TV and films instead of encouraging her to finish her library  'reading challenge'
- worrying that people will ask Viv what she's done in the holidays and she won't be able to tell them much
- being generally flustered and busy instead of appreciating the holidays
- being absolutely terrible at replying to messages and keeping on top of group messages (being a bit of a rubbish friend in general)

BUT, on a good day I will look at this array of little guilts and think, "This guilt is such shit. I do try my best. My kids may not have been further than an hour away from home these holidays but we've been to parks, we've been cycling, we've been swimming countless times.. Vivienne loves a living room floor picnic in front of a film, and she adores her little sister and feels grown up minding her for me and genuinely doesn't mind it. I have to work, and I enjoy work. It's good for my daughters to see both parents going out to work and it's good for them to spend time with their grandparents and cousins. Furthermore, their grandparents have the energy and the time to do some wonderful things with them and I can get work done - it's win-win.  Life is inherently magical and exciting for children and they won't see a day in the holidays as a wasted day; they'll see it as the day they climbed to the top of the treehouse at the park, or the day I let them have ice cream before lunch, or the day they finished a crafty something-or-other on the dining room table."

So yeah, in summary, my kids are OK, they are fed, usually clean enough, they get fresh air, the house usually has at least one tidy room (sometimes even 3-4.. but not for long), the clean clothes dumped upstairs may never get put away before they goes back in the washing machine, I may send too many emails that start with 'sorry for my late reply..', coffee may run too strongly in my veins, but *IT'S OK*. Trying your best is enough. And 'Mum guilt' can get in the bin.

THINGS I WANT MY GIRLS TO KNOW

A little note to my girls.. including a few things I'm still learning myself..

Be yourself and try not to worry what others think

It's actually a lot harder than it sounds, and it takes years to realise who you really are. As you grow up you'll work out more and more what you like and what you don't, where your skills lie and what really and genuinely excites you. Trust your own instincts and never be afraid to politely say no - learning to say no is actually a more valuable lesson than you may realise. To ignore what others may think about you is something you have to learn - often (and I say this kindly ..) they won't actually be concerned with whatever you're doing anyway.

You are made of tough stuff

As I've always told you, women are *tough*. You are stronger, tougher and more resilient than you are led to believe - know that and use it. Don't let anyone take advantage of you and always stand up for yourself. Champion other women too, the sisterhood is important. 

Experiences matter more than things

The world is geared to make you believe you need this, that and the other. You don't. Prioritise spending your money on experiences, not things. Dinner with friends, a trip away, going on a course to learn a new skill.. all these things will make you feel more invigorated than a designer thing ever will. Of course it's OK to spend on little luxuries here and there; just get the balance right. Remember to take quiet time to yourself, appreciate the joys of reading and the thousands of little doors books open, and get outside and into nature as often as you can. Say yes to new experiences and keep an open mind - you may find a new passion when you least expect it.

Have good manners and be nice

It's so true that good manners cost nothing and count for everything. Say please and thank you every time it's appropriate. Be polite, be kind, be patient. If others aren't behaving nicely, realise that it's often more their own issues than anything you've done (of course, sometimes it might be you - be aware of your own behaviour too!) Everyone is fighting their own little battles behind the scenes and you may never know what they are - treat everyone as you would like to be treated. Little kindnesses go a long way. Just be a *good* person, basically. 

Work hard and save money

Try and find a job that combines something you're good at with something you enjoy. You don't need to aim for university and it's fine to take time to work out what you want to do. To have a career is to play the long game, don't be concerned with people who seem to 'overtake' you; just make sure you consistently work hard towards your *own* goals. Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone who wants to tell you how well they're doing or how much they earn.. look inwards to look forwards and work out your own aspirations; don't be concerned with the boasters. Save as much as you can afford - savings are insurance - but also treat yourself when you can. 

You don't have to fall into traditional gender rolls

Find a partner who believes in full equality and who splits the boring household stuff down the middle and will treat your potential daughters and sons equally. Girls are tough and boys can show emotion. And of course if you want to have time at home raising a family and having a traditional dynamic that is completely *your* call - just make sure the balance of your life is your choice not your default. 

You don't *need* to move through life in the order of X, Y, Z..  

Of course there are wonderful benefits and joys to marriage and children, but you don't have to do either if it's not for you. You don't have to marry or even settle down, and you don't have to procreate. You are enough in yourself and how your future looks is your choice. 

Be skilled

They don't need to be career-definining skills or anything particularly impressive.. but learn skills that will serve you well. An instrument, a language and a sport is a good place to start. Learn to drive (and change a tyre), learn how to properly clean your home, pitch a tent and camp, learn to cook, how to change a plug, how to manage your money from month to month.. (also find a good party trick and a signature dance move. I never did either and I would have loved them..)

You don't have to look or behave 'like a girl'

Just because you're a girl (and will one day be a woman) you don't owe anything to the world. You don't *need* to have long hair, wear make up, look feminine, or behave 'like a girl' (in fact, if anyone says 'that's not very ladylike' you have my full permission to flip them the middle finger).. you can be whoever, do whatever and look however you want, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Sometimes you'll mess up and that's OK

Bad and difficult things happen along the way, it's how you deal with them that counts. You learn from mistakes and each mistake is a little lesson. Everyone messes up sometimes. Stay calm, try and stay rational.. it's never the end of the world and what feels like the worst thing that's ever happened will one day feel OK. If you need to apologise to someone, do it sooner rather than later and be sincere. Take responsibility for yourself.

Exercise and love your body

You only have one - take care of it. Exercise for and look after your mind as well as your body. Don't aspire to be thin, focus on being strong and having the stamina to help carry yourself through life. It's ok to let things slide here and there - life is for living and not for restricting yourself. Your shape is your own, embrace it and marvel at what your body can do. Enjoy cooking, eating and dining out - good food is one of life's great pleasures. 

Do things for others

It's a big world out there and you are luckier than you realise. The world is a very harsh place for many. Be compassionate and be aware of issues outside of your own bubble. Give and do what you can for those who need a little more. It's OK to be angry at the state of the world if you channel that anger into doing good. Be passionate and CARE. Be tolerant. Vote.

Make good friendships

Your closest friends should be people who make you feel the most *you*. You should feel comfortable around them, and like you can fully be yourself. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel inferior or make you feel you're compromising who you are. Look after your friendships and care deeply for your friends.

Put yourself out there

Act like your most confident self and you will become that person. Confidence isn't easy and isn't always comfortable, but *shy bairns get nowt* and if you don't put yourself out there you'll never know what might have been. Be a good conversationalist and listen more than you speak. Learn from others. Stand up and speak clearly to make your voice heard. Don't be too shy to be proud of your skills and accomplishments but don't be a dick about it either. Always challenge yourself.  

Live a balanced life

Work hard, but take time for yourself. If you have a partner, do interesting things without them too. Log on *and* switch off. If you go on to have a family make sure you have time to remember who you were before they came along. Be sensible *and* silly. Life is too short to spend time ironing all your clothes, save ironing for weddings and events. Same sentiment goes for washing your hair every day; dry shampoo is your friend. Exercise and eat well but don't be afraid to sack it off for wine and chips now and then. Watch trash TV and read great books. Spend time dancing and singing until you lose your voice but enjoy the peace of the great outdoors too. Create AND consume.