BLOWING KISSES AND HITTING HER SISTER | THE BEGINNING OF THE TODDLER YEARS

Well, Sylvie is definitely not a baby any more. 'Spirited' would be one way of putting it.. 'a loveable little terror' would be another. She refuses to walk, but I'm declaring her a 'toddler'. The baby stage is well and truly over.

She seems to be learning so much so quickly at the moment; everything from trying to copy words that we say, to make-believe playing, to really understanding a few commands, like 'pass me that' or 'take your dummy out'. She has a baby doll which was once Vivienne's which she's taken a particular shining to, trying to feed it and put a nappy on it.. and watching her 'role-playing' is so wonderful. She's gentle with it and cuddles it.. In these moments you'd think she was a considered and kind little thing through and through..

Obviously the toddler years bring frustration and fury for them too as they try to make sense of the world.. she is head-strong, loud.. (I was going to type 'unreasonable' but *obviously*.. she's only 16 months old) Vivienne, hand on heart, was so placid in comparison, whereas Sylvie is not afraid to really make her voice heard. 

We are so lucky that Vivienne is so patient as we make our way through this stage of giving kisses, cuddling, then hair pulling, hitting and pinching (those baby pinches really bloody hurt..). It's hard to start introducing discipline when I know she doesn't mean to hurt, or even really know what she's doing. Anyway, we're muddling through this ever-changing day-to-day life with our headstrong little girl.

The blog, recently, has been very heavy with things from mine and Vivienne's Interrail trip, so I thought I would also include a little Sylvie update, for this wonderful but often tiring stage we're currently at. All the little things she does and watching her learn honestly makes up for when she's screaming and attracting attention during 'the big shop'. Sylvie saying 'Mama' and putting her hands up for a cuddle makes all the difficult little moments melt away...

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Sylvie at 16 months

Says the words 'Dad', 'Daddy', 'Mum', 'Wav' (for Viv!), "Yessss", "Cock" (for 'look', we hope..) and also, due to her Dad being a huge Boro fan ' Up Bo-o' for 'Up The Boro'.

Eats well on her own; she loves omelettes, lasagne, pasta, cottage pie, fish, vegetables, yoghurt, fruit pouches and chocolate (we're still working on the Easter chocolate!)

Role-plays with her baby doll, giving it her dummy, putting it down to sleep, trying to dress it and change it's nappy.. She tries to draw with a pen (yesterday it was all over the couch), and loves her wooden garage and cars that she got for her birthday.

Has walked four/five steps max, has taken plenty of one/two steps but 99% of the time powers around the house by crawling. She can scale a flight of stairs so quickly.. but no rush to get up on two feet.

Loves playing peek-a-boo behind clothing/sheets, and will hide then surprise you. She loves the swings and the slide, and when you pretend to chase her from room to room.

She's still constantly looking for Vivienne - she follows her around the house and will ask "Wav?" when she's at school. 

Dances and shakes her head to music, and loves when we join in. 

Also, I can't not mention her hair. Vivienne had hardly any hair until she was two and a half, and it was so curly. Sylvie has a mop of hair that means that she looks like a mix of Ed Sheeran and Boris Johnson if we don't tie it up.. So funny, but we still don't know what to do about it apart from making her look like Pebbles from The Flintstones!

Sleeps well most of the time, she's currently getting back molars in which is loads of fun - full screaming in the middle of the night, but hopefully we'll be out the other side soon.

Loves the bath and loves swimming. Water baby.

'SELF CARE' OVER 'TREAT YOURSELF'

I feel that I pretty much hid throughout my pregnancy. I didn't really 'announce' that we were expecting, friends and family knew, and I only told clients that I would be shooting their weddings pregnant when I was getting bigger and my bump was too obvious to hide. I think I just felt very self conscious and really didn't like not 'feeling myself', plus I found out I was pregnant when wedding season kicks off and I was genuinely too busy during the Summer to do too much else anyway. In short, I much preferred lying around the house in my maternity PJs growing by the week feeling sorry for myself that I was so worn out all the time..

Fast forward to now, and Sylvie is over 9 months old. I've reached the end of a really hectic few months from pretty much getting straight back into shooting a month or so after I had her.. it's been a busy old year. I've started making a conscious effort to take time for myself and time to reflect too, as well as more seeing friends and getting out of the house again. Even going to the gym feels like real time off these days, and I've been really trying to restart a routine now we have full childcare some days. (And I have to admit, at the moment it still hurts every time.. but I'll get there.)

It feels like such a cliche these days to talk about 'self care' but that's exactly what it I'm trying to do.. And it's not about 'Treat Yourself' things and throwing cash at candles and bath products promising to make you feel pampered, for me it's just been about slowing down a little more and taking some time out for myself here and there. I've been going out for tea with friends much more than I did last year, arranging to see people I haven't in a while, spending quality time out with the girls and also asking David to take them out for a few hours sometimes too, not even so I can do work necessarily, but just to have a few hours to myself.

At times in the past I've been so busy that I've wondered what it's all for, and I try and remember what my interests used to be before family life came along. With this in mind I've decided to make an effort to take pictures and offer myself up for some projects out of my comfort zone, and I've also been to a few different art classes locally, a watercolour class by KLB Design House, and a few of the Sunday Art School classes run by A Still Life Workshops. I'm hoping to cook more as it gets colder and darker outside, and make time for us to all sit and eat as a family some nights. And I want to get out walking in the hills before it gets that little bit too cold to be out in the elements for too long. I've found that anything that makes you forget about the time or to check your phone is absolutely wonderful for headspace. 

I thought I'd make a little list of more 'calm living' things I'd like to do before the end of the year, mainly so I have something to refer to..

- Walking in the hills with Sylvie wrapped to me
- Taking pictures purely for myself and *actually* getting around to processing and printing them
- Cook a *full* Sunday dinner, and more week day family dinners
- Teach Vivienne to cook a few dishes
- Make some proper hot chocolates with Vivienne after school
- Cycle with Viv on the tandem, and go for our annual conker-hunting bike ride
- Book a sports massage to sort my shoulders out
- Email out small companies I'd like to work with to expand my commercial portfolio
- Get much more of an eating and gym routine going. Drink more water.
- Read, and stop working on my phone when I'm in the bath
- Do some Autumn crafts and paint with Vivienne
- Do another Sunday Art School
- Hopefully take a weekend to see friends in London

I saw this picture below on Instagram recently and it rang so true. I'm definitely going to try and draw on that thought over the next few months. If you have any calming, self-caring and 'feeling yourself' activities too I'd love to know. 

'MUM GUILT' CAN GET IN THE BIN

I was going to write a post about 'Mum Guilt' and how everything's felt better the second time round until I had a dream a few nights ago that made me have a little cry the following morning. In it, I found a guest at a wedding telling Vivienne that I was a terrible mother and didn't devote enough time to her and Sylvie, and when Vivienne came over to me afterwards she didn't reply when I said 'I love you'. So yeah, it appears there's still subconscious guilt going on no matter how rational I try to be.

Isn't everything just *enough* without guilt creeping into parenting? Isn't the mess and busy-ness and juggling routines and homework and general chaos just *enough*? It starts when they're born and you find yourself second guessing some answers you give to the common (and sometimes loaded) questions ("Are you breast or bottle feeding? But they're not meant to have solids until six months, are they? How long are you taking off work? Who are you going to leave them with when you go to work? Are you worried she'll have separation anxiety at that age? Wouldn't you rather a family member than a childminder?") and never. bloody. stops. It's pretty exhausting trying to be the best version of yourself in all areas when sometimes you just want to curl up and lounge about for a day reading all those books you haven't started yet and watching that film you've been meaning to for months.. 

Before the Summer holidays hit we've been to see a childminder who will start minding Sylvie two days a week from September and my impulse is still to question myself and wonder if I *really* need a childminder or whether I can manage on my own working and juggling her daily wants and needs. I've never been one to feel anxious about leaving the girls with people to mind them while I work, and my husband and I have been away numerous times without them (cueing some lovely loaded questions and comments such as, "Aren't you worried something will happen while you're away? Good for you, though.. *I* couldn't do it, myself.") but when I'm feeling a little delicate those guilty thoughts creep in like little voices trying to persuade you that you're not doing as well as you could be.

On top of that in our house there's me being self employed and working some silly hours, a partner who is pretty much self employed and the Summer holidays to 'make the most of'.. it's pretty exhausting. Being self employed in the Summer holidays means knowing you *could* spend this day with your kids but shipping them off to someone else because you need to work, it's being technically able to work flexibly but still needing to get a full day's work done in not-enough-time, it's emails while they're on the swings at the park, admin while they eat dinner and starting the bulk of your working day the second they're asleep. 

I do try not to beat myself up about the little things, and most of the time I do pretty well at shrugging that feeling off but here is a little list of things I've felt guilty about over the past few weeks (and subsequently tried to tell myself to pack it in..)

- spending too much time working and not seeing the girls
- spending consecutive days away and having to tell a crying Vivienne over the phone it'll be another two days until I see them
- not doing enough with the girls when I do have days with them
- not 'making the most' of the Summer holidays in general
- saying 'one minute, I just need to send this message/email' too many times
- not being able to go away in the Summer holidays like a lot of other families we know
- asking a lot of my mother-in-law and mum for childcare (forever grateful)
- feeding Viv lazy lunches and teas of sandwiches, omelettes and old school kids' dinners like *something*, chips and beans
- feeding Sylvie shop-bought purees instead of making up baby-led weaning recipes
- asking Viv to feed Sylvie while I sort something out
- not cooking enough in general
- not doing enough stimulating stuff with Sylvie
- asking Viv to 'keep an eye' on Sylvie too often while I sort something out
- letting Viv watch a fair bit of TV and films instead of encouraging her to finish her library  'reading challenge'
- worrying that people will ask Viv what she's done in the holidays and she won't be able to tell them much
- being generally flustered and busy instead of appreciating the holidays
- being absolutely terrible at replying to messages and keeping on top of group messages (being a bit of a rubbish friend in general)

BUT, on a good day I will look at this array of little guilts and think, "This guilt is such shit. I do try my best. My kids may not have been further than an hour away from home these holidays but we've been to parks, we've been cycling, we've been swimming countless times.. Vivienne loves a living room floor picnic in front of a film, and she adores her little sister and feels grown up minding her for me and genuinely doesn't mind it. I have to work, and I enjoy work. It's good for my daughters to see both parents going out to work and it's good for them to spend time with their grandparents and cousins. Furthermore, their grandparents have the energy and the time to do some wonderful things with them and I can get work done - it's win-win.  Life is inherently magical and exciting for children and they won't see a day in the holidays as a wasted day; they'll see it as the day they climbed to the top of the treehouse at the park, or the day I let them have ice cream before lunch, or the day they finished a crafty something-or-other on the dining room table."

So yeah, in summary, my kids are OK, they are fed, usually clean enough, they get fresh air, the house usually has at least one tidy room (sometimes even 3-4.. but not for long), the clean clothes dumped upstairs may never get put away before they goes back in the washing machine, I may send too many emails that start with 'sorry for my late reply..', coffee may run too strongly in my veins, but *IT'S OK*. Trying your best is enough. And 'Mum guilt' can get in the bin.

VIVIENNE IS TURNING 8

Oh Vivienne, how are you going to be eight years old tomorrow? It feels like a few months ago that you were two or three and as cute as a button, chatting away and you were the age that we could pop out for the day together for ice creams and hot chocolates.. I can't believe it's been a whole eight years since those difficult days bringing you into the world. So much has happened and changed since 2009 in our little family and you've been there all the way through.

Now you're a wonderful 'middle aged' child (your words!); full of beans, stubborn, beautiful.. you love your friends, tennis, reading books, writing stories (you tell everyone you're going to be an author and illustrator when you're older).. you're outdoorsy and love nothing more than mucking about outside, cartwheeling, and wearing full activewear. Wherever we go you want to wear leggings, t-shirts, hoodie and a cap - we call this look 'Sporty Viv'. You say you feel most comfortable wearing 'tomboy' clothes - we seem to be constantly buying you leggings and throwing holed, worn out pairs away! You're amazing on your bike and flicker and we love going on bike rides, especially in the Autumn when we go conker hunting. You're a great little swimmer and love taking Sylvie to the baths now too. You love to bake (inspired when GBBO was on the TV) and I can now more or less leave you to it in the kitchen and wait and see what you come up with. You're such a kind girl, generous and often we think you're so wise in your own way. 

It's been absolutely wonderful to watch you blossom and turn into the most amazing big sister. I don't know how we'd do it without you. You're an amazing help and you're so caring, patient and loving with Sylvie. She adores you - no-one makes her laugh like you do. You change nappies, get her ready, entertain her, give her the best cuddles - you're wonderful with her and she's so lucky to have you.

Me and your Dad are so, so proud of you. I can't wait to see what this next year brings.