13th May 2016. Today we 'found out'. I was dozing on the bed while David was getting ready for work, dreaming I had just taken a test and was waiting to see the result. Convincing myself in my half asleep state of both outcomes.. Feeling confused and stressed.
This point would be the best time that it could happen with work and various other things.. We'd given ourselves a very optimistic three month window when we could try this year. I told David I wanted to take a test, convinced that it hadn't happened for us this month and feeling a little sorry for myself.. But I had a test in the drawer which could tell us either way. It turned out to be positive...
We looked at each other quietly with disbelief saying "No way...". Vivienne was watching tv before school downstairs. I cried. David had a huge smile on his face. It didn't seem real and I kept staring at the test which said "Pregnant 1-2 weeks".
We had decided weeks ago that we would keep it to ourselves, just the two of us, until a first scan around 12 weeks. With Vivienne our pregnancy was unexpected, therefore chaotic with fear and panic. We said if it happened again we really wanted to 'own' this experience more and feel more in control. Dav went to work and I went downstairs to prep for work and finish getting Vivienne ready for school. Driving up to a wedding in Newcastle these were the thoughts and feelings swimming around my head:
- Actual excitement. Lots of it. And marvelling that it happened in such a small window and at the right time.
- Mild guilt that others find hard to become and stay pregnant.. Twinned with feeling incredibly lucky and grateful.
- Dates swimming around my head - when will I be due, how pregnant will I be at X, Y and Z this year.. Can we still go to Copenhagen at the end of the year..?
- Joyed that Vivienne will have a sibling.
- Huge excitement at telling Vivienne.
- Worried and nervous about telling family after it was so difficult last time.
- Slight disappointment that I can't have all the wine when we go out for tea tomorrow night.
- Wondering how to successfully hide it at Glastonbury.
- Worrying about travelling and exhaustion when away on trips this year.
- Wishing Grandpa was here.
- Wondering if we'll have sisters or one of each.
- Relief that this time I don't feel terrified and it feels ok to find out.
- Feeling funny that Vivienne thought I was pregnant a week or so ago and kept hugging my tummy.
- Worry that something will happen or go wrong.. Coupled with not wanting to get my hopes up until we've confirmed everything's OK.
- Concern that I might not be able to do all the same classes that I love at the gym over the coming months.
- Worry about working hard and feeling shattered.
- Worry about being ill/sick for work and letting anyone down.
- Excitement about seeing David as a dad again.
- Trying to tot up how much rebuying so much baby kit will cost...
- Am I enough to be Mum to two?