THINK PINK | HOME OFFICE INSPIRATION

My office is a shit tip 99% of the time. There is always photography kit spilling out on the floor from different camera bags, cables and various batteries charging, paperwork, a drawer spilling receipts.. and general junk that often isn't even mine that finds its way in there. The furniture is a mix of pieces that don't fit anywhere else in our house mixed with more practical Ikea cupboards and drawers.. it's functional but in need of a little care.

Often I don't feel I can work until it's clearer, there's definitely a change in my head space when my workspace is organised. With this in mind, I've decided that when work calms down I'm going to give my magnolia junk room a mini makeover and create a space to work in that I feel calm and comfortable in. And I want it to be pink. 

I would never, ever call myself 'girly' but I do lean towards pink as a colour pretty often. To me it's soft, kitschy, uplifting, a bit retro.. but for my office I'd like to contrast a 'feminine' shade of pink with some rougher and darker industrial bits and bobs. Sort of like Grand Budapest meets factory warehouse.

I've settled on a Farrow and Ball shade called Pink Ground (cheeky tip, I've found F&B paint to be pretty rubbish quality in the past so actually took their sample booklet into B&Q and Valspar scanned it in.. and it's *so* much cheaper..) and I've also bought a wire bookshelf. Ideally I'd like a new office chair but at this point it's not essential. The pictures above show 'before' and below is me being restless for ten minutes and chucking some paint and my new book rack up to see how it's going to look..

I also need to work out what to do with my desk top as I'm pretty certain the bright yellow won't work with 'millennial pink' - I may just buy a new desk top, maybe in black or a real wood to contrast the white units in that room. I'll be back to show it all off when it's all finished.. and I *hope* like it ends up something like the vision on my head. Fingers crossed! 

ROUTINE IS COOL, HONEST

The crazy six weeks are over and we are a week and a half into the routine of the girls going to school, childcare, after school clubs, breakfast clubs, tennis lessons.. and also finding the time to get to the gym and have some time for ourselves at times too.

The night before Vivienne went back to school was also the night before Sylvie going into childcare for the first time (more on this later..), and David and I found ourselves drawing out a timetable whilst sitting on the couch like we were divorcing; working out who picks up and drops off each day, when we can get to the gym ourselves, booking in a free night for us to have as a family and working out who exactly is responsible for what. (Then we stuck it up in the kitchen so it was *official*). 

Turns out having two kids is wonderful - really wonderful - and not *that* complicated until you throw in all the other stuff you have to do too. (Like feeding yourself, and homework, and the washing.. and the other unimportant adult shit that comes with trying to be a 'responsible'.)

But, anyway, the routine wheels slowly started turning again. Vivienne ran off into school, seeing some friends for the first time in weeks, and loved being back. We started getting the ten emails a day from her school again (FFS bullet points and brevity, please), we even managed to get her first homework in on time *and* remembered her PE kit; even if the night before school started she announced that it had been in the cupboard, unwashed, for the past six weeks.

The biggest change was Sylvie starting to go to a childminder. I admit, I really cried when David took her to drop her off the first time saying things like "It's too soon!"/"But she has a cold!"/"She's just too little", but very soon I realised we were both absolutely fine; Sylvie loved being there and I got more done in a day than I had in ages. Our childminder lives about a 5 minute walk away and is lovely - she's been taking her out to different activities during the day and sends Whatsapp pictures of how she is and what she's up to. We have definitely done the right thing here.

There was no routine in Summer, apart from the fact that routinely throughout the day I would have to exclaim "I'M SO TIRED", but it was the holidays and it was the chaos that the holidays naturally bring. I guess for the most part it just can't be changed and to some degree it just has to be embraced.. But I have to admit that having a proper routine now really helps. I now work intensely Tue/Thu/Fri and prioritise doing things, playing and spending quality time with Sylvie on Mondays and Wednesdays. (I even went to a nursery rhyme sing-a-long group the other day, but we don't need to talk to much about that...)

We have split the pick ups/drop offs for both the girls exactly down the middle. David and I both have the same opportunities to get to the gym and enough evenings where we can see friends and have some time off too. It sounds dramatic to say it but it really is sanity saving. We are still very much feeling the effects of the holidays - my workload is just as big but now I'm more desk-based - but letting go and resisting being proud and "I can do it all myself" has made the biggest difference to the balance at this end.

I didn't really get much maternity leave (I may write about this soon), but now I'm also making a conscious effort to take quality time for myself (I may write about this too). Sometimes it just takes a little stepping back to reassess the balance of everything going on.

It's not cool to admit it, and years ago I never thought I'd be one to live with such structure, but routine is 100%, definitely, where it's at.

'MUM GUILT' CAN GET IN THE BIN

I was going to write a post about 'Mum Guilt' and how everything's felt better the second time round until I had a dream a few nights ago that made me have a little cry the following morning. In it, I found a guest at a wedding telling Vivienne that I was a terrible mother and didn't devote enough time to her and Sylvie, and when Vivienne came over to me afterwards she didn't reply when I said 'I love you'. So yeah, it appears there's still subconscious guilt going on no matter how rational I try to be.

Isn't everything just *enough* without guilt creeping into parenting? Isn't the mess and busy-ness and juggling routines and homework and general chaos just *enough*? It starts when they're born and you find yourself second guessing some answers you give to the common (and sometimes loaded) questions ("Are you breast or bottle feeding? But they're not meant to have solids until six months, are they? How long are you taking off work? Who are you going to leave them with when you go to work? Are you worried she'll have separation anxiety at that age? Wouldn't you rather a family member than a childminder?") and never. bloody. stops. It's pretty exhausting trying to be the best version of yourself in all areas when sometimes you just want to curl up and lounge about for a day reading all those books you haven't started yet and watching that film you've been meaning to for months.. 

Before the Summer holidays hit we've been to see a childminder who will start minding Sylvie two days a week from September and my impulse is still to question myself and wonder if I *really* need a childminder or whether I can manage on my own working and juggling her daily wants and needs. I've never been one to feel anxious about leaving the girls with people to mind them while I work, and my husband and I have been away numerous times without them (cueing some lovely loaded questions and comments such as, "Aren't you worried something will happen while you're away? Good for you, though.. *I* couldn't do it, myself.") but when I'm feeling a little delicate those guilty thoughts creep in like little voices trying to persuade you that you're not doing as well as you could be.

On top of that in our house there's me being self employed and working some silly hours, a partner who is pretty much self employed and the Summer holidays to 'make the most of'.. it's pretty exhausting. Being self employed in the Summer holidays means knowing you *could* spend this day with your kids but shipping them off to someone else because you need to work, it's being technically able to work flexibly but still needing to get a full day's work done in not-enough-time, it's emails while they're on the swings at the park, admin while they eat dinner and starting the bulk of your working day the second they're asleep. 

I do try not to beat myself up about the little things, and most of the time I do pretty well at shrugging that feeling off but here is a little list of things I've felt guilty about over the past few weeks (and subsequently tried to tell myself to pack it in..)

- spending too much time working and not seeing the girls
- spending consecutive days away and having to tell a crying Vivienne over the phone it'll be another two days until I see them
- not doing enough with the girls when I do have days with them
- not 'making the most' of the Summer holidays in general
- saying 'one minute, I just need to send this message/email' too many times
- not being able to go away in the Summer holidays like a lot of other families we know
- asking a lot of my mother-in-law and mum for childcare (forever grateful)
- feeding Viv lazy lunches and teas of sandwiches, omelettes and old school kids' dinners like *something*, chips and beans
- feeding Sylvie shop-bought purees instead of making up baby-led weaning recipes
- asking Viv to feed Sylvie while I sort something out
- not cooking enough in general
- not doing enough stimulating stuff with Sylvie
- asking Viv to 'keep an eye' on Sylvie too often while I sort something out
- letting Viv watch a fair bit of TV and films instead of encouraging her to finish her library  'reading challenge'
- worrying that people will ask Viv what she's done in the holidays and she won't be able to tell them much
- being generally flustered and busy instead of appreciating the holidays
- being absolutely terrible at replying to messages and keeping on top of group messages (being a bit of a rubbish friend in general)

BUT, on a good day I will look at this array of little guilts and think, "This guilt is such shit. I do try my best. My kids may not have been further than an hour away from home these holidays but we've been to parks, we've been cycling, we've been swimming countless times.. Vivienne loves a living room floor picnic in front of a film, and she adores her little sister and feels grown up minding her for me and genuinely doesn't mind it. I have to work, and I enjoy work. It's good for my daughters to see both parents going out to work and it's good for them to spend time with their grandparents and cousins. Furthermore, their grandparents have the energy and the time to do some wonderful things with them and I can get work done - it's win-win.  Life is inherently magical and exciting for children and they won't see a day in the holidays as a wasted day; they'll see it as the day they climbed to the top of the treehouse at the park, or the day I let them have ice cream before lunch, or the day they finished a crafty something-or-other on the dining room table."

So yeah, in summary, my kids are OK, they are fed, usually clean enough, they get fresh air, the house usually has at least one tidy room (sometimes even 3-4.. but not for long), the clean clothes dumped upstairs may never get put away before they goes back in the washing machine, I may send too many emails that start with 'sorry for my late reply..', coffee may run too strongly in my veins, but *IT'S OK*. Trying your best is enough. And 'Mum guilt' can get in the bin.

THE SIX WEEKS SO FAR | THINGS TO DO WITH KIDS IN TEESSIDE

It feels like I've blinked and the holidays have nearly finished.. I actually changed my mind about a day's childcare later in the week this week so that I could see the girls and do some special things before school and routine starts off all over again. Because of work commitments and general busy-ness this year we haven't ventured very far over the past few weeks, really. Just a few day trips here and there and pottering about in our local area. I've also not let myself feel guilty for some lazy days hanging out at home either, and letting Vivienne read, do something crafty or just watch a film (or three.. as it turned out one day last week..)

Vivienne loves to get out and about on her bike or scooter, and we often walk down into Yarm for ice cream, lunch, or to visit the library. We're also lucky enough to have Preston Park about 5 minutes drive away which we love - the play area is huge, there's a Victorian street musem, a walled vegetable and flower garden, mini golf, a skate park type thing and Butterfly World.. and it's cheap as chips too. This year they've installed a beach at one end of the Victorian Street which Viv and Sylvie loved (until Sylvie started eating fistfuls of sand).

My Dad has lent us the family tandem bike (my side are pretty enthusiastic about cycling and there were always a few bikes to pick from lying around in the garage) and has adjusted it for me and Vivienne. She absolutely loves it and when we go out on it often says 'this is the best day of my life' - she's pretty strong on it and we did about 43km in total in different outings last week. It's lovely to have something to do which is just me and her, so we can chat and spend some time without Sylvie interrupting or needing attention - it's nice to be able to give Viv some one-on-one too. Saying that, I'd *love* to get a baby seat for Sylvie on it too - thought I don't know whether my legs are strong enough to cycle both kids around.. Our gym has started doing some parent and kids classes too - like HIIT but not as intense, and we often go swimming at the gym and occasionally book a court for Viv to practise her tennis.

With a week or so left, Vivienne wants to invite a friend or cousin round and camp in the back garden in the next few weeks. We're also hoping to get to York and Whitby just us three girls, and Vivienne has asked to go kayaking at Tees Barrage after we sat on the bank and watching a class. Tomorrow is a rainy day so I think we're going swimming (always the easiest option when the weather is crappy..), pottery painting and to MIMA art gallery to see what's on. Below is a little list of things we do when I have a day with the girls or as a family.

OUR FAVOURITE THINGS TO DO IN TEESSIDE WITH THE KIDS

- Preston Park - the museum, the grounds, the park and Butterfly World.
- Stewart Park - huge and once a month there is a pretty big farmer's market.
- Tees Barrage. Doesn't seem like the most exciting place in the world but Viv loves watching the various water sports and seal spotting there.
- Saltburn. Always one of our favourite places. They also do a fab farmers' market and once a year they do a huge food festival which we *love*.
- A day trip to York, Tynemouth or Whitby - anywhere it's possible to get the train is a bonus too.
- Cycling from our home. We are lucky to live a few miles from a few different quiet villages and we've loved cycling between them all. I'm hoping to take Vivienne a little further each time and maybe visit parents and grandparents on the tandem.
- Getting out walking up in the hills. We love Carlton Bank, Roseberry Topping, Captain Cook's monument and near Sheeps Wash.
- Jump 360, Clip'n'Climb and AirTrail.
- Prissick Base Cycle Track
- MIMA art gallery - often has activities and open days for kids in the holidays
- Guisborough Wood Walk
- Sundaes Ice Cream Shop in Yarm. Not strictly an activity but *so good*.
- The libraries offer so many activities in the holidays for kids, Viv is in the middle of a reading challenge and there are different themed days during the week.
- Hardwick Park - also have themed days for little ones.

And obviously sometimes *nothing* is the best thing to do. I'm definitely declaring one day a duvet day before the holidays are out so we can watch back-to-back films and eat junk food.. if you can't do it in the holidays when can you?!

Where are your favourite places around here? I still have a week or so to fill before the dreaded school routine starts all over again and I'd love some new haunts to add to the list :)

THINGS I WANT MY GIRLS TO KNOW

A little note to my girls.. including a few things I'm still learning myself..

Be yourself and try not to worry what others think

It's actually a lot harder than it sounds, and it takes years to realise who you really are. As you grow up you'll work out more and more what you like and what you don't, where your skills lie and what really and genuinely excites you. Trust your own instincts and never be afraid to politely say no - learning to say no is actually a more valuable lesson than you may realise. To ignore what others may think about you is something you have to learn - often (and I say this kindly ..) they won't actually be concerned with whatever you're doing anyway.

You are made of tough stuff

As I've always told you, women are *tough*. You are stronger, tougher and more resilient than you are led to believe - know that and use it. Don't let anyone take advantage of you and always stand up for yourself. Champion other women too, the sisterhood is important. 

Experiences matter more than things

The world is geared to make you believe you need this, that and the other. You don't. Prioritise spending your money on experiences, not things. Dinner with friends, a trip away, going on a course to learn a new skill.. all these things will make you feel more invigorated than a designer thing ever will. Of course it's OK to spend on little luxuries here and there; just get the balance right. Remember to take quiet time to yourself, appreciate the joys of reading and the thousands of little doors books open, and get outside and into nature as often as you can. Say yes to new experiences and keep an open mind - you may find a new passion when you least expect it.

Have good manners and be nice

It's so true that good manners cost nothing and count for everything. Say please and thank you every time it's appropriate. Be polite, be kind, be patient. If others aren't behaving nicely, realise that it's often more their own issues than anything you've done (of course, sometimes it might be you - be aware of your own behaviour too!) Everyone is fighting their own little battles behind the scenes and you may never know what they are - treat everyone as you would like to be treated. Little kindnesses go a long way. Just be a *good* person, basically. 

Work hard and save money

Try and find a job that combines something you're good at with something you enjoy. You don't need to aim for university and it's fine to take time to work out what you want to do. To have a career is to play the long game, don't be concerned with people who seem to 'overtake' you; just make sure you consistently work hard towards your *own* goals. Comparison is the thief of joy. There will always be someone who wants to tell you how well they're doing or how much they earn.. look inwards to look forwards and work out your own aspirations; don't be concerned with the boasters. Save as much as you can afford - savings are insurance - but also treat yourself when you can. 

You don't have to fall into traditional gender rolls

Find a partner who believes in full equality and who splits the boring household stuff down the middle and will treat your potential daughters and sons equally. Girls are tough and boys can show emotion. And of course if you want to have time at home raising a family and having a traditional dynamic that is completely *your* call - just make sure the balance of your life is your choice not your default. 

You don't *need* to move through life in the order of X, Y, Z..  

Of course there are wonderful benefits and joys to marriage and children, but you don't have to do either if it's not for you. You don't have to marry or even settle down, and you don't have to procreate. You are enough in yourself and how your future looks is your choice. 

Be skilled

They don't need to be career-definining skills or anything particularly impressive.. but learn skills that will serve you well. An instrument, a language and a sport is a good place to start. Learn to drive (and change a tyre), learn how to properly clean your home, pitch a tent and camp, learn to cook, how to change a plug, how to manage your money from month to month.. (also find a good party trick and a signature dance move. I never did either and I would have loved them..)

You don't have to look or behave 'like a girl'

Just because you're a girl (and will one day be a woman) you don't owe anything to the world. You don't *need* to have long hair, wear make up, look feminine, or behave 'like a girl' (in fact, if anyone says 'that's not very ladylike' you have my full permission to flip them the middle finger).. you can be whoever, do whatever and look however you want, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Sometimes you'll mess up and that's OK

Bad and difficult things happen along the way, it's how you deal with them that counts. You learn from mistakes and each mistake is a little lesson. Everyone messes up sometimes. Stay calm, try and stay rational.. it's never the end of the world and what feels like the worst thing that's ever happened will one day feel OK. If you need to apologise to someone, do it sooner rather than later and be sincere. Take responsibility for yourself.

Exercise and love your body

You only have one - take care of it. Exercise for and look after your mind as well as your body. Don't aspire to be thin, focus on being strong and having the stamina to help carry yourself through life. It's ok to let things slide here and there - life is for living and not for restricting yourself. Your shape is your own, embrace it and marvel at what your body can do. Enjoy cooking, eating and dining out - good food is one of life's great pleasures. 

Do things for others

It's a big world out there and you are luckier than you realise. The world is a very harsh place for many. Be compassionate and be aware of issues outside of your own bubble. Give and do what you can for those who need a little more. It's OK to be angry at the state of the world if you channel that anger into doing good. Be passionate and CARE. Be tolerant. Vote.

Make good friendships

Your closest friends should be people who make you feel the most *you*. You should feel comfortable around them, and like you can fully be yourself. Don't settle for anyone who makes you feel inferior or make you feel you're compromising who you are. Look after your friendships and care deeply for your friends.

Put yourself out there

Act like your most confident self and you will become that person. Confidence isn't easy and isn't always comfortable, but *shy bairns get nowt* and if you don't put yourself out there you'll never know what might have been. Be a good conversationalist and listen more than you speak. Learn from others. Stand up and speak clearly to make your voice heard. Don't be too shy to be proud of your skills and accomplishments but don't be a dick about it either. Always challenge yourself.  

Live a balanced life

Work hard, but take time for yourself. If you have a partner, do interesting things without them too. Log on *and* switch off. If you go on to have a family make sure you have time to remember who you were before they came along. Be sensible *and* silly. Life is too short to spend time ironing all your clothes, save ironing for weddings and events. Same sentiment goes for washing your hair every day; dry shampoo is your friend. Exercise and eat well but don't be afraid to sack it off for wine and chips now and then. Watch trash TV and read great books. Spend time dancing and singing until you lose your voice but enjoy the peace of the great outdoors too. Create AND consume.